"Greetings! I'm glad you made it! Welcome to the irrepressibly secret show! I am Jones and I'll be your guide, of sorts, on this journey through the macabre.

"First, the introduction: you all know someone like Todd Delzinko (speaking of which, that's not even his real name!), assuming you don't actually know Todd Delzinko. He's the guy with the bad complexion and a sincere adoration of the modern Generation X wannabe alternative lifestyle. He likes bands you've never heard of and only watches reruns on television. He has a web page. He is a 'poser.'

"The word poser reminds me of pizza, and do you know what pizza reminds me of? Well, once I was in attendance at an elementary school pizza party and I asked for mushrooms. This evil little fiend named Rod Johnson said that I liked to eat fungus. Everyone laughed at me and I began to cry. Four years later, Rod sucked his own heart out with a vacuum cleaner so justice was served.

"You know, I wouldn't be surprised if Todd Delzinko was Rod Johnson. Mr. Todd is a heartless rat bastard, so if Rod somehow survived his assault by a vacuum cleaner, he would be a front-runner for the elusive Delzinko identity.

"My best friend back in grade school was a boy named Miguel Webb. He had brown hair and blue eyes. His favorite movie was Gone With the Wind even though he'd never seen it. One day, Miguel and I decided to beat up Rod so we jumped him on the playground. Rod swatted Miguel into the swings, where he got all tangled up and couldn't get away. I had asthma so when I tried to run away, I ended up on the ground about four yards away trying to breathe. Rod laughed a lot and smacked Miguel around a little bit before he wandered away to pick up some women.

"That night, Miguel had a dream about the day's disastrous events. His sheets got all twisted around him due to his thrashings. When he awoke from his nightmare, he thought he was tied up in the swings again and, in his struggles to free himself, fell out his window and died.

"So you see, Rod Johnson killed my best friend and, by proxy, Todd Delzinko killed him! Ye gods, how I hate Todd Delzinko. How I would like to bludgeon him to death with a television and eat his heart, just as I did to Rod Johnson when I discovered he worked at the local newspaper and was planning to expose the crimes of the bowling alley that employed me.

"I mean, all we did was manufacture close to four million dollars in two dollar bills. I think it was admirable how we tried to create a friendly environment for the twos' common usage. We should have been rewarded for our efforts, not shot down like dogs in one of the cataclysmic gunfights you always see in the movies. My part would have been played by Clark Gable if he was alive or 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper if he was still an actor.

"If Todd Delzinko had been there, you'd need some ugly actor with even uglier prosthetics on to accurately portray the breadth and depth of his hideousness. Unfortunately he wasn't, which surprises me because he seems like the kind of guy to blow away an innocent sham two dollar bill maker.

"Miguel and I were the only survivors of the slaughter at the bowling alley so we went underground and began to write propaganda for products we enjoyed like Hoover vacuums and Oreo cookies. We began the swing dance craze during those dark, hidden days. It is said that without our calming influence on the Soviet premier, the world would have perished in a cataclysmic cacophony of nuclear arms exploding point-counterpoint style.

"This is a lot of text, isn't it? How does that make you feel? It makes me feel like the time I went to the zoo and a giraffe stole my hat. It was an expensive hat so I complained to the zoo management, but they laughed at me and said that giraffes don't steal hats. I punished them for their audacity by throwing them into the hippopotamus pin. You know how hippoes lust after the sweet taste of human flesh.

"I think a hippopotamus would make a good orderly at an institution. I would certainly take medication from a hippo, whereas people just don't scare me that much. I mean, I'm one, except for the plant growth in my spine that gives me super powers.

"Well, now that you know my credentials, let's get on with the judgment of Mr. Todd, who is secretly the reincarnated heartless Mr. Rod. Perhaps we can get a good lynching together!

"Here we have the dark one, Mr. Todd Delzinko, and his offspring, the very cute and marketable Damien Wyrm Delzinko. What you can't tell from this photograph is that, shortly after this, Todd sold his boy to the Americal Football League, where Damien was scientifically altered into a huge, densely packed mass of muscle capable of snapping an iron bar in half. Too bad he was disqualified from the league when they discovered his genotype included 14% arachnid DNA during a drug test. "In an unimaginable fit of rage, Damien went on a rampage, flattening downtown Jacksonville and consuming thousands of pounds of butter at a dairy warehouse. Overwhelmed, Damien's heart imploded and a statue was erected in his honor nearby. "I'm not sure this is the actual Todd Delzinko, primarily because he seems to be surrounded by people who aren't repulsed and disgusted by him. Instead, I think this is whatever poor schmuck heartless Rod Johnson killed and took over for. Notice, for instance, the happiness of Mr. Todd in this picture; have you seen him even approaching good humor anywhere else? I pity this poor boy because he was not strong enough to resist the power of the dark Rod, but who would have been before I warned them? Not you or that goofy looking kid sitting next to you, that's for sure. "Who are these guys? I do not know. Let's call the one on the left Clyde and the one on the right Rodrigo. I can almost hear them talking. CLYDE: Hey, don't touch me, Rodrigo. You might contract the spaceborn fungus that is slowly consuming my nervous system. RODRIGO: That's okay, my little elven friend. I like spaceborn funguses. I will call him Billy and treasure him forever. CLYDE: You are quite prolific with your usage of the wacky weed, my good friend. Please discontinue your contact with me for other reasons I don't wish to describe in detail. RODRIGO: Are you implying that I don't like women? CLYDE: Certainly not. We are all aware of your deep and abiding love for the fairer sex. RODRIGO: Please don't use that word around me. I am jealous of anyone who is seen as fairer. I think my exquisite lily-white complexion should make me 'fairest.' "Fascinating, isn't it? "Oh no! It is not just the vile and corrupt Todd Delzinko but also his infantile and puerile Council of Evil! I know them well for they compose the greatest threat to the continued viability of democracy on this planet and only I can stop them. "Front left stands the insidious Madam Murder, the evil villainess responsible for toppling more regimes than any government organization could hope to. MM also makes a killer lemon meringue pie. "Behind MM is Sheridan 'Lova Luvly' Sheridan. Originally a professional wrestler, his new claim to fame is a penchant for burning down wheat crops and hoarding breads of all kind. His actions have crippled fourteen separate nations' economies. "Front right is Buttercup. She has secretly cloned an army of Chuck Berrys to take over the world through soul music and sickening nostalgia! "The other guy is Todd. He is more evil than these other people, but he hasn't done anything cool. "What do you think is going on here? I really have no idea. I don't recognize the man on the right. I know Delzinko, but here he seems oddly effeminate. Perhaps Rod Johnson has issues those of us secure in our sexuality lack "Actually, I don't even know what I hoped to achieve by including this shot. All it really does is drag down my argument into bitter recrimination and minute semantic differences that obliterate the validity of all I've said. Here you can see how hateful and irrational the Jones is. Now you know: Jones isn't a human being but an angry cloud of hornets buzzing in a blob vaguely resembling your grandpa.

"That is it for the pictures, I'm sorry to say. Any other points I have to make must be done in this dinky paragraph. I need to come up with something powerful and memorable to completely denounce Todd Delzinko/Rod Johnson/all the evil people in the world. Let me think.

"...

"...

"Ah ha! Notice how Mr. Todd's hair color keeps changing? Well, you can't really trust people who dye their hair that much, can you? I didn't think so. Proof positive that Todd Delzinko is the ultimate in nonentitical unwholesomeness.

"This is Jones, signing off and heading for the tub."

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