BE MY LOVER
DELZINKO and JONES stand on a sidewalk, patiently waiting for
some event.
DELZINKO
I like Skittles and I would really like some right now.
JONES
Whenever I want Skittles I go to the store and buy them. I use
money.
DELZINKO
I don't have money. I only have a goat. I pet him and he tries to
eat my shirt a lot.
WADDELL comes out of the clouds in the sky.
WADDELL
Lo, I am a flying pork rancher. If we were elves, I would build
us a house from a single, giant tree.
DELZINKO and WADDELL throw eggs at one another. JONES breaks all
the televisions.
JONES
I hate televisions! They keep my electricity in them!
WADDELL
When you want to tell me what this is really about, young man,
you just come into the kitchen and you apologize.
ROBERT DENIRO
I'm a fan of man!
AL PACINO
I'm mad as a spanking and I'm not going to take it anymore!
AL PACINO kills ROBERT DENIRO.
DELZINKO
Burgers for all!
Everyone eats hamburgers. They are good.
JONES
What?
WADDELL
I need to get a new scarecrow. All my servants ate the old one
because I wouldn't give them any lobster.
Everyone walks into a waiting room at a hospital. There is DOCTOR
LIMPY there.
LIMPY
You have not been taking your medication! You are a very bad
little man!
JONES
Why am I a bad man? I have not done any bad. I have only done
some things that society doesn't agree with.
LIMPY
Where I come from, we keep dogs in the beds of our trucks. When
we are driving, the dog leans around the edge and sniffs ahead
for danger. They bark to alert us to watch out! If a dog barks
too much, we put a muzzle on it.
JONES
That is very wise. So is trying on pants before you buy them.
LIMPY
The other night I was sitting quietly on my porch when a Mongol
horde trampled my lawn. They wanted to loot and pillage my tool
shed so I turned on the sprinkler and it scared them all away.
Then I laughed and ate ice cream.
LIMPY leaves because he is on fire. When everyone turns around,
there is an EVIL MONKEY standing there. EVIL MONKEY is eating
from a bag of colorful popcorn. It tastes just like candy and I
like to eat it too, but I am not an evil monkey!
DELZINKO
Mother of monkeys!
JONES
Has everyone brushed their teeth?
DELZINKO
Evil monkeys killed my family and forced me into a life of crime!
EVIL MONKEY
Oooh ooooh ooooh ah ah oooh ah ooooh ah ooooh oooooooooh ah!
WADDELL slaps the EVIL MONKEY. He does it again! The EVIL MONKEY
is getting mad!
WADDELL
Shut up! I told you not to tell anyone about that! It was one
night and I was young and I had never been in love before!
JONES
I wish I could understand monkeys. I took a course in college,
but the professor never showed up and we all ended up teaching
ourselves how to line dance.
WADDELL
I need some new knee pads.
DELZINKO
Let's go to the store. I want some Skittles.
WADDELL
As long as you don't breath on me with your fruity breath. If you
do that, I will break your nose with my fist of fury.
DELZINKO
If you break my nose, I will rip your skin off and wear it and
make all your friends mad so they don't like you anymore.
JONES
That happened to me once!
The EVIL MONKEY demonstrates what DELZINKO intended on DELZINKO
and puts on his skin. Now the EVIL MONKEY is DELZINKO. What a
plot twist!
WADDELL
Do you still want to go to the store, Delzinko? You're an evil
monkey now so I can't be certain.
DELZINKO
Sure! I will get some bananas.
JONES
I lost all my credit cards and someone used them to buy things
off of the Internet. Now, I am on a quest to ride the world of
the scourge of the Internet! And credit cards.
RIC FLAIR
Whoooooooo! Nature boooooooy-eeeeeeee!
DELZINKO
My favorite Pokemon is Jigglypuff because she is a cute lil pink
ball of love.
RIC FLAIR
You can't be the man until you beat the man!
WADDELL
Where are my shoes and socks? You can't go to the store without
shoes and socks!
JONES
Listen, man. The establishment is perpetrating these false foot
clothing ideals on an unsuspecting public. What do shoes and
socks do? They make your feet hot! They make your feet sore if
they're bad shoes! This is what the people in power want! If you
can't walk around, you can't oust them!
DELZINKO
I used to play a lot of Joust and Dig Dug on my Atari.
WADDELL
In Ireland, it's fifty-eight degrees Fahrenheit.
JONES
We better tell Orbephat! Let's go!
EXT. ORBEPHAT'S BURGER KING
Everyone goes into Burger King and orders fries. ORBEPHAT is the
manager and he charges them twice what they should pay because he
is mean.
DELZINKO
Orbephat, will you take a break and chat with us?
ORBEPHAT
Sure! Go sit down. You know, tadpoles make good gumbo!
They all sit down. DELZINKO climbs all over the table.
WADDELL
I want to go ahead and talk about a few personal problems, guys.
Will that upset any of you?
JONES
Yes. I want to enjoy the remainder of my life.
DELZINKO
I have a few dozen orphans in my truck.
ORBEPHAT
Hey fellas. The rules of football were inspired by the drowning
death of William Shakespeare in a giant vat of Coca Cola.
DELZINKO
The sauerkraut wants to eat me. I will submit.
Everyone eats fries and hamburgers. They are good.
ORBEPHAT
At the Battle of Hastings, the opposing armies played Yahtzee
until some swords could be shipped in from a local armoury!
JONES
There is some squishy stuff on my shoe. I hope it is gum and not
some tiny man.
ORBEPHAT
George Washington Carver often called Mr. Peanut his inspiration.
Disco Inferno begins to play over the speakers. It is my
favorite song!
WADDELL
Let's go outside and boogie!
EXT. BURGER KING PLAYGROUND
All the people are dancing in a musical number. It is funny to
watch the old people playing on slides and breaking things. Lots
of children are crying because they can't play.
DELZINKO
I am stupid and ugly and no one likes me.
JONES
If only monkeys didn't smell bad.
WADDELL
There is cat hair all over my shoes! How did this happen? Why did
it happen to me? If only Plato and Aristotle had questioned what
really mattered and not what the ultimate end of mankind is!
ORBEPHAT
The first Monopoly board game was made from the dried skin of a
dead yeti!
JONES
I used to have a rock collection. I kept it in a box but then the
box burned down and I lost everything. Damn me for not keeping it
insured!
WADDELL
Veal is like a big question mark to me.
A game of flag football breaks out around the main characters.
Everyone playing is fat.
WADDELL
My bathrobe is made of duck feathers.
ORBEPHAT
Macedonian scholar Julius Caesar had a penchant for rock 'n' roll
music; while lecturing, he often listened to Ozzy Osbourne on his
Walkman.
It starts to rain.
DELZINKO
Anybody gotta Loofah?
WADDELL
Like I care!
JONES
We better get to sand bagging!
People start to barricade the Burger King playground against the
rising floodwaters. Swans and sofas float by.
DELZINKO
Oh no! We'll all drown and the world will die! Make your peace!
Your time has come!
TORI AMOS
Why doesn't anybody know what time it is?
JONES
Battleship on the horizon!
The rain stops. All the water swirls away, washing the color off
of everything. Only the people are not black and white.
Lightning strikes DELZINKO. He runs around wildly and gets run
over by the battleship. It starts to shoot at everyone, but
WADDELL repels it by throwing mustard packets at its fuel tanks
and the battleship explodes.
ORBEPHAT
Benjamin Franklin, author of The Scarlet Letter, often
wore pants.
DELZINKO is dead so ORBEPHAT clones him because ORBEPHAT is smart
and ORBEPHAT can. ORBEPHAT accidentally makes two DELZINKOs
though.
DELZINKO I
I am resurrected by the majestic glory of Orbephat. He is so
smart.
DELZINKO II
He fused our DNA with the evil monkey's though. I am not
impressed.
DELZINKO I
You need to have respect for people who clone you. They are doing
you a favor since otherwise we would be dead, although we were a
single entity.
WADDELL does a happy jig dance. He looks silly and everyone
giggles.
ORBEPHAT
When the Evil Space Zombies conquered the Earth, then president
William Shatner tried to get on their good side by throwing a
barbecue; however, the zombies' desire for human flesh
overwhelmed their gratefulness and they ate Shatner right along
with the kebobs!
WADDELL
The moral of my life is: don't wear polyester when the situation
calls for denim.
ORBEPHAT
Eddie Veder of Boys II Men fame made his own cheese from parakeet
milk.
DELZINKO I
Eating things that are on fire will hurt your mouth, says Safety
Sam!
DELZINKO II
You can't speak for everyone when you say that.
ORBEPHAT
Television cameras are all sizes, but every single one of them
has the same bacteria in their digestive systems.
JONES
What is the point of knocking on the door when the window is
open?
WADDELL
Have a lot of men standing in a circle when you put red peppers
on your pizza.
DELZINKO I
Even the oldest fire hydrants in Austin were built to last.
Penguins eat all the trash.
WADDELL (giggling)
Five of the proctors should be wearing yellow shirts. I don't
know about the others!
INT. BEAN'S BURGER KING
DELZINKO I and DELZINKO II stand before the counter.
BEAN
Pithy bits and cheerio. What would you like to order?
DELZINKO I takes out his wallet and chews on it.
DELZINKO I
Nothing for me, thanks.
BEAN
And you, good sir?
DELZINKO II looks at the menu. It suddenly bursts into flames and
the Burger King burns down. DELZINKO I, DELZINKO II, and BEAN
escape, but DELZINKO II has severe third degree burns all over
his body.
DELZINKO I
Something smells like ham.
DELZINKO II
Oh God no! Orbephat made our matter out of pork products! We're
pigs!
BEAN
I could make a bloody fortune on this! Take me to your Orbephat!
DELZINKO I spontaneously combusts as DELZINKO II is suddenly
consumed by an angry horde of Dachshunds.
BEAN
I will discover the secrets of this chap Orbephat! And I will
make a new kind of fast food joint! And I will buy all of the
shovels!
INT. EL RICARDO'S HAIR STYLIST PLACE
WADDELL is a haircutter. He is not very good and he keep dropping
his scissors.
WADDELL
The huge gash comes with the haircut! I swear!
CUSTOMER
It is a good thing I am impervious to pain. Otherwise, I would be
beating you senseless.
WADDELL
You could not take a bucket to a gun fight and win the prize.
CUSTOMER
Migraines are for wimps and shrimps. You are the bottom of the
food chain.
WADDELL
Muffins. They are silly and they look like mushrooms.
CUSTOMER
For today, I want an omelet.
WADDELL
Food.
CUSTOMER
Pluto.
WADDELL
Vegetarians scare me.
INT. EVIL JONES SECRET HIDEOUT
WADDELL goes to see EVIL JONES when he is scared.
WADDELL
Hey Beck and Garth.
BECK
Hey. Man, I was listening to the radio and the DJ sounded just
like my mom so I broke it and built this doomsday device out of
the remains.
GARTH
I helped build it because I put paint on it. Now it is green.
WADDELL
You picked a very good color.
GARTH
This is my favorite shirt.
A GIANT LIZARD eats GARTH.
INT. EVIL JONES' BEDROOM
EVIL JONES
Magical flutes are baking cakes of spectacle.
WADDELL
I found a nickel today. Would you like to share it?
EVIL JONES
Money on the market cannot forego the emergence of a secondary
luminescence. Polyphonic extremities will discombobulate excess.
WADDELL
Delta Burke? Oh man! I am you're biggest fan.
EVIL JONES
Burgundy flames dance on the horizon. A storm is coming.
WADDELL
Something is in my shorts; it is biting my thigh.
EXT. DELZINKO'S HOT AIR BALLOON
JONES and DELZINKO III, IV, and V are having a picnic. Watch out
for ants! I hope the ham isn't spoiled.
DELZINKO V
Much against everyone's advice, I am wearing polyester.
JONES
Have you ever really looked at the sky? Have you ever just looked
and gazed and wondered about it? Nobody really looks anymore. It
is this nutty world we live in. Well, I looked, and the sky is
blue.
KEVIN BACON
Where's Kevin Bacon? I'm naked!
Giant eyes with wings fly over the picnic. DELZINKO IV fashions a
bow and arrow out of his shoes and shoots one of the giant eyes.
Its acidic blood spills on DELZINKO V and eats him all up.
DELZINKO III
Forward momentum is overrated. Why can't we all just stay in one
place? There are lots of things in one place and sometimes not as
many in others.
JONES hits DELZINKO IV on the head with a broom. Then he sweeps
up DELZINKO V and feeds him to some ducks that are going south
for the winter.
DUCKS
Thanks!
DELZINKO III
Is there something on my face?
DELZINKO IV
Your nose!
DELZINKO III breaks into sobs. Crying violently, he runs to a
river and leaps in and drowns.
JONES
You should have told him he looked nice today.
JONES and DELZINKO IV loot a water fountain for change.
INT. RAVE
There is a band of robots playing music that lots of people dance
to. They are good dancers. WADDELL and EVIL JONES are there to
score some women. They run into DELZINKO IV who likes to pretend
he is cool.
WADDELL
What are you doing here? You should be at my house washing my car
and vacuuming my rugs.
DELZINKO IV
Have you seen Ricky Martin? Ricky Martin is supposed to be here.
I brought a t-shirt for him to sign.
WADDELL
I feel like I am talking to a sandbox.
EVIL JONES
For the monumental, a baking adventure is just worship of the
proletariat.
DELZINKO IV
Ricky Martin is livin' la vida loca, and so am I!
Suddenly, THE MOON swoops out of the sky and attacks the rave! It
is darting around smashing people! There are explosions and
people yelling!
THE MOON
This is for hitting me in the eye! Die! Die die die! Die fast or
die slow! The moon's killing everyone this evening!
DELZINKO IV
Oh no! The moon's on a killing spree! Only I stand between the
moon and the obliteration of humanity!
DELZINKO IV runs towards THE MOON! It is exciting to see this sad
little man running towards the gigantic sphere shaped death
machine that is THE MOON! DELZINKO IV raises his fist high in the
air, but THE MOON doesn't see him and rolls DELZINKO IV over! He
is squished.
WADDELL
I don't think that will come out of the carpet. Evil Jones, what
do you think we should do?
EVIL JONES
Flee, for the machinations of a swollen pollen receptacle have
come to fruition!
WADDELL and EVIL JONES run away. THE MOON continues to rampage!
THE MOON (singing)
Die die die die die die die!
Die die die die die!
Die die die die die die!
Die die die die die die die die!
Die die die die die die die die!
Die die die die die die!
Die die die die die die die!
RICKY MARTIN
That's it, moon! I'm not putting up with this anymore!
THE MOON eats him.
INT. BEAN'S MEAT PLANT
BEAN is consulting with two of her assistants, BILLY and LEROY.
They both live in an empty corner of my skull and wanted to be in
my story so I thought I would let them. They are very silly, as
you will see.
BEAN
Ello, lads, I've got a pip pip cheerio job for ye.
BILLY
My belly is soft and round. I could keep stray dogs in it. Ha ha
ha!
Oh Billy! You are silly!
BEAN
Listen here, buddy, if you want to discuss stray dogs, take it to
Judge Judy. I only respect abdominal fortitude.
LEROY
Believe!
BEAN
Get out there and get me want I want you to get me! I will look
up what I wanted later because right now I have to approve a new
KFC franchise.
BILLY
You got it! Hoorah!
LEROY
Believe!
INT. ALLEYWAY
Some DELZINKOs are here. I'm sorry, I lost count! We will just
call them DELZINKO X and DELZINKO Y and DELZINKO Z.
DELZINKO X
Only Madagascar can house our burgeoning numbers, my brothers!
DELZINKO Y
Do they have pepper and sand in Madagascar?
DELZINKO Z
We should ask Jones because he is really smart and handsome.
DELZINKO Y
Ha ha! Any Delzinko can see that!
DELZINKO X
While we're at, we should see our creator, Orbephat. He keeps
churning out Delzinkos for some mysterious reason!
DELZINKO Z
Hopefully, he can also give us some pants that fit.
EXT. ORBEPHAT'S KFC
There are lots of old people eating chicken because all that I
have ever seen old people eat is chicken, and they tell a writer
to write what they know. Well, I know that old people eat
chicken.
DELZINKO X, Y, Z, A, and B are all present, along with JONES and
ORBEPHAT.
DELZINKO A
I traveled across the desert to find the man who made me. Is that
you, sir? Are you my father? If you are, you owe me a camel
because I had to eat mine on the way.
JONES
Order me some chicken. I like chicken. Eating it is like eating
your own arm, except it doesn't hurt quite so much.
DELZINKO A runs up to the counter to buy JONES some chicken.
ORBEPHAT
The discovery of oil on her property allowed Janet Reno to
finance a balloon trip around the world for her pet chimps Bibby
and Bobo.
DELZINKO B
Standing by a phone booth, I came across a bit of information
that I think will interest all of you. You see, when the
crescent-shaped wrench is given a half-twist, the descent of man
begins.
ORBEPHAT
Bottles were used by ancient peoples to store loose change.
DELZINKO A returns with chicken in hand.
DELZINKO X
Wait a second. Let me see that chicken.
DELZINKO X takes the chicken. He bites it, grabs his throat, and
dies.
DELZINKO Y
Oh no! The chicken was poisoned! Delzinko X is some sort of
double agent!
DELZINKO B
No, you fool! Delzinko Z is the double agent! I watched him the
whole time and he acted just like Harrison Ford in Men in
Black!
DELZINKO Z
Jones is the traitor! He smirked when they shot Old Yeller! I was
crying my eyes out and he just laughed, like some horrible
deformed monster, risen from the depths to consume all our souls
in his gaping maw of evil!
DELZINKO A
Ah ha! I saw Orbephat poison the chicken. He looked around
sneakily and then placed three cyanide droplets in Delzinko X's
drink!
JONES
Well, arguing will get us nowhere fast.
ORBEPHAT stands and opens fire, mowing down all the DELZINKOs.
JONES
Woah! I never said you should kill them all with your rapid fire
laser mechanism!
ORBEPHAT
Don't worry. I'll make more.
INT. KFC/LAUNDROMAT
BEAN is here overseeing the opening of her new restaurant where
you can clean your clothes after you spill ketchup all over them.
She thinks ketchup is spelled catsup but I know she is wrong. I
drink Heinz.
BEAN
Ello, ello, ello.
BILLY
Hey, we went looking and we found a big mountain.
BEAN yawns.
BILLY
Ants were building it up to reach the very sun!
BEAN yawns.
BILLY
As we watched, a giant hand reached out of the sky and squashed
the ants with its giant finger.
BEAN yawns.
BILLY
This is a metaphor! Stop your foolish quest now, kitty!
Security arrives and throws BILLY around. He cries like a big
whiny baby.
BEAN
Barbecue him! Leroy, you must complete the mission I assigned you
or your fate will be even bloody worse.
LEROY
Believe.
INT. EVIL JONES' SPA
WADDELL and EVIL JONES are sitting around drinking Diet 7-Up.
They will have a lot of character moments during this sequence so
you will probably be bored.
WADDELL
I think that Michael Jackson is cool no matter what people say.
EVIL JONES looks ashamed.
WADDELL
Also, why can't I just break down and cry whenever I want to?
EVIL JONES
The dissolution of social conformity often entails a lengthy and
garrulous descent into maniacal disruption of the former
systematic conceits.
WADDELL
Besides, what is the point of a bathrobe? I say, be naked! Why is
it okay to be naked when you're washing your body off but not
when you're, say, enjoying the sunset?
EVIL JONES
Congruities disguise what those providently horrific grow in
their so-called defensive redundant secondary facilities.
WADDELL
Where's the phone? I want to buy it a daisy.
JOAN OF ARC
Forward! To glory! Je frappe mon chien!
WADDELL
When I was just a little boy, I had this wagon. I would take
things around in my wagon and pretend I was a horse. Then, one
day, I put a pony in my wagon and I couldn't move it! I pulled
and I pulled so hard, and it wouldn't budge! So I said to myself,
I said, "Chad you are a horse. You can pull this. You are
strong and ultra equine." And I tugged with all my youthful
might, and I was moving! I was going so fast, I thought I would
fly! Then I did fly! I was soaring so high, everything looked
like ants! Then I realized they were ants, and I was seeing giant
evil ants destroying civilization! I was sure lucky I missed
that, but my luck finally ran out when I crash-landed in Cuba and
got typhoid from a dead ferret.
EVIL JONES
Lucidity eludes some.
WADDELL and JOAN OF ARC get in a sword fight. She cuts his head
off, but EVIL JONES fastens it back on with a chain.
WADDELL
That's it! I am going to go forth and destroy everything under
the sun, as my father did before me and as my grandfather did
before him! Woe, woe unto the denizens of the Earth!
EXT. PIRATE SHIP
CAP'N JONES, FIRST MATE ORBEPHAT, and DELZINKOs as crewmembers
roam the sea, wreaking havoc never before seen under the sun.
Now, it is night time and they are sitting around before going to
bed. JONES is drinking ale like a real man.
JONES
Ah, ye swabs, let's sit here and reminisce about all the booty
we've plundered. Aye, lads, you're the best bunch of scum I've
ever laid me eyes upon.
DELZINKO *
Arrrr, matey. I remember one day with me old captain, Cap'n
Gravynoggin, and we were coming up fast on a wee schooner. Now,
there couldna been anything worth more'n a couple doubloons on
that tiny lil boat, but Cap'n Gravynoggin demanded we board. We
did, with Cap'n Gravynoggin in the lead, so he was the first to
die when the other zombie pirates also boarded. We stood our
ground and fought. Died to a man. Damn shame, you know?
JONES
Walk the plank, scum!
DELZINKO * walks the plank. A shark jumps out of the water,
flips, and eats him!
JONES (yelling)
And I'll do the same ta any man with the audacity to mention me
dear ole pappy Cap'n Gravynoggin in a disparagin' light!
ORBEPHAT stands suddenly and begins to shout.
ORBEPHAT
Look! Starboard! A ship! A most palpable ship!
JONES
Oh no! We've been discovered by Chad Waddell, the famed pirate
hunter! Arr! Battle stations! We'll stop his purge of the scourge
of the sea right here, mateys!
DELZINKO ?
Go,lads! Take your muskets! Take your hats! We go to die today
against the screamin' legions of Chad Waddell's anti-pirate army!
JONES stands tall. He raises his saber high in the air. A hippo
lands on it.
JONES
Their firing the hippo-pults, lads! Return fire!
A cluster of chickens soar across the sky from JONES' ship; they
bounce harmlessly off WADDELL's ship. The buccaneers are
beginning to look frightened whenever they are not being squashed
by hippos.
DELZINKO &
Oh no! I don't want to die like this! I haven't climbed any
mountains yet!
JONES
Prepare for collision, boys! Get ready to repel! Protect the
booty!
DELZINKOs line up against the edge of the ship, prepared to fight
the invaders.
DELZINKO #
Here he comes!
WADDELL leaps over from his ship. He lands in the midst of the
DELZINKOs and leaps into action, his rapier blade flashing so
fast your eye can barely follow it. Lots of blood and gore is
splattered all over the ship's deck.
WADDELL
Scum! You are not fit to face the pirate hunting legions of
Waddell! They have bested you all without a single casualty! Now,
you should be ashamed, but you are all dead!
DELZINKO ?
I'm not dead yet, sir. I'll gladly be ashamed.
WADDELL
Ah, but can you be ashamed and slightly bemused at the same time?
You see the trap I have cleverly set? You are just as dead as
anyone else!
WADDELL dances gleefully.
WADDELL
I am so good! No one can stop Waddell's millions of
pirate-killing death machines!
JONES
Waddell! I'm callin' ye out, ye swab! We'll see how well the
pirate-hunting scum of the Earth holds up to the blade of mighty
Zorro!
WADDELL
I have stomped on the head of your pirate crew! You are dead in
the water and ashamed of your bad fashion taste! I am too good!
DELZINKO ?
I'm afraid I don't quite understand what you're talking about.
What was all that ashamed and bemused stuff?
WADDELL
It was a trap!
DELZINKO ?
How was it a trap? It seemed kind of non sequitur to me.
WADDELL stops suddenly in terror. A giant squid is rising from
the depths! It strikes! The ship is in two pieces that are
filling up with water!
DELZINKO ?
No! The Leviathan cometh!
JONES
No giant squid cuts my ship in two and gets away with it! And the
Leviathan is a big fish, not a big squid. This is just the fabled
outlaw Ambrosia Octofobertest, who ate so much squid he turned
into one.
JONES leaps from the ship to the giant squid. He is wielding a
mighty hippo against the Hellborn sea monster.
WADDELL
Well, I have succeeded in my goals, despite the interference of
the giant squid. The world will not have to suffer another
Delzinko once you are dead!
DELZINKO ?
Whatever. Orbephat can just clone more of us.
WADDELL
No!!!! Where is he? I must stop him, else my entire quest has
been in vain!
ORBEPHAT is watching from the MOON. He was teamed up with the
MOON all along!
MOON
Ha ha! They will never figure out our evil plan!
ORBEPHAT suddenly rips off his mask to reveal that he is COLONEL
SANDERS.
COLONEL
Did you think you would get away with your plan? I knew what was
going on all along and I took Orbephat's place so I could stop
you!
THE MOON shrieks.
MOON
No! I've come so far! I will succeed!
COLONEL
You're about to be stopped like a car is stopped by its brakes,
with a sudden tug locking the seatbelt of your plans into an
immobile position!
MOON
Foolish Colonel Sanders! You did not reckon on the power that is
the Moon!
COLONEL
You will find your every path blocked by the Colonel, just like
if you were trying to sneak into Disneyland!
MOON
I have a wallet the size of Montana!
THE MOON eats the COLONEL, in a stunning reversal of roles that
would have been more poignant if THE MOON was a giant chicken.
Well, now THE MOON is a chicken! It is striking!
BACK WITH WADDELL and DELZINKO ?.
DELZINKO ?
Orbephat disappeared when the big squid attacked. I think he went
on a puddin run.
WADDELL
Well, he won't get away that easily. If he tries to give me the
banana pudding again, I will be forced to strike him down
mightily.
DELZINKO ?
Look! It's raining Delzinkos!
WADDELL
No! How could this happen?
Millions of DELZINKOs are raining onto the ship and into the
ocean. We see them falling and splatting everywhere and then we
see JONES fighting the squid! He kills it with his magical
powers! JONES is wearing his wizard robes now. He holds a staff
with a big pretty jewel on top.
JONES
The wrath of my magical potency awaits any return you enact,
Ambrosia!
ANTONIO BANDERAS
I am the desperado! Watch out or I will beat you up!
JONES
I will just turn you into a cow with my magic. I can make
everyone cows! I will!
JONES makes everyone into cows. Now there are lots of DELZINKO
COWs floating in the ocean and mooing. It is a striking visual.
WADDELL
Your magical powers do not work on me, old man! I am impervious
to cow making magic!
DELZINKO ?
Moooooooo!
ANTONIO BANDERAS COW shoots DELZINKO ? COW.
WADDELL
Now we face one another like we should have from the start! One
of us will die this day and the other will go and build a shoe
factory to cash in on their popularity.
Out of nowhere, THE MOON swoops down and gobbles up a lot of
DELZINKO COWs. WADDELL and JONES decide to work together against
the new enemy. The DELZINKO COWs moo a lot.
JONES
Only we can stop the Moon, which is now a big chicken, before it
kills every single person in the whole world!
WADDELL
Truly, this will go down in the annals of history and legend. Our
names will be sung by drunken men as they watch wrestling in a
Moon-free universe!
JONES shoots magic rays that weaken THE MOON. It looks sad.
MOON
No! I will not succumb! All the Space Penguins are depending on
me!
JONES
Space Penguins? Is that what this is about?
WADDELL looks really, really mad.
WADDELL
Don't listen to him! Just kill the Moon!
JONES
Talk to me, Moon, before I am forced to make you a giant dusty
cow slab!
MOON
Well, I promised these Space Penguins I would find them a place
to live. I picked the Earth because I already live around it.
They asked me to clear them out a space where they could live in
peace so I was going to kill everyone in the Western Hemisphere
to make room for the Space Penguins.
JONES
That sounds reasonable enough. You should have said this earlier.
We wouldn't have tried to stop you.
WADDELL
No! I will not live with Space Penguins. I roomed with one in
college and it ate all my damn cheese!
JONES
I think it sounds more than reasonable, Waddell. There will be
plenty of people left and the Space Penguins will get some nice
coastal housing.
WADDELL screams like a banshee and lunges at THE MOON; he hits it
right in the nose and it falls down into the ocean, where all the
DELZINKO COWs try to crawl on it so they won't drown.
JONES (screaming)
Nooooooooooooooooooo!
WADDELL turns to JONES and prepares to attack him.
WADDELL
If I have my way, there will be no more Space Penguins! There
will also be no more lawn mowers and no more cement mixers. I
want the world to be Waddell's way until it ends in 2024, when an
army of undead zombies that sprang from Elvis's scalp as he was
laid in his coffin will march across the land and so destabilize
the planet with their shiny jump suits that it will collapse into
a bottle cap. I think I deserve some time to myself before all
that Elvis crap happens.
JONES cries because he hurt his toe.
WADDELL
Do you concede?
THAT GUY ON SPEED
I didn't mean to shoot the guy.
JONES shakes his head.
JONES
I know you did! And no, Waddell, I won't stand for it.
THAT GUY ON SPEED looks scared. JONES zaps him into a log cabin
that ABRAHAM LINCOLN moves into.
JONES
Now it's time for your medicine, Waddell!
WADDELL
Medicine tastes nasty.
WADDELL cries like a little boy so JONES knocks him around a
little bit. Oh, and THE MOON drowned a long time ago. Now the
DELZINKO COWs are conversing quietly amongst themselves.
JONES
If there were a river nearby, I would pan for gold to jam in your
nose so you would know what it's like to not be able to breath
because some rare metal is stuck in your nostril!
The DELZINO COWs rush JONES and WADDELL en masse.
DELZINKO COWS
Moooooooo!
JONES
Our next true enemy is revealed!
WADDELL lifts his sword high in the air, but he is too slow and
the cows eat him.
WADDELL (as he is torn apart in a hideously bloody fashion)
This would be ironic if I was a vegetarian...
JONES marshals his strength. He blows all the DELZINKO COWs away
with a typhoon.
JONES
Man, what could top that false denouement?
The Earth splits open like a ripe vegetable and the insidious and
evil EVIL JONES emerges, the fires of Hell licking at his feet.
He is dressed in a tutu and covered with evil lice.
EVIL JONES
The epitome of tumultuous desperation will now crawl like a
writhing, legless rat across your despairing soul.
JONES
Oh no! I have come face to face with the abyss! I must now topple
my greatest foe, my most demanding adversary, in a cataclysmic
battle of wills that could shatter the universe and plaster a new
natural order where once it hung from the galaxy's coat rack!
EVIL JONES
Horrendous detriment to the completion of my assigned task of
utter decimation of all pleasantries will commence in a vicious
maligning of your person.
THE UNIVERSE holds its breath!
JONES
Very well! Let us do battle, foul doppelganger! We will see who
has the superior willpower.
EVIL JONES
Fealty to a disparate existence is remarkable given your
heightened sense of perturbation.
JONES raises his arms high in the air. EVIL JONES clenches his
hands into fists. They are about to fight!
JONES
Aaaaaargh!
EVIL JONES
Hooraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
JONES eats a cupcake and goes home. He needs a nap.
EVIL JONES
I am triumphant!
Darn. I guess EVIL won.
THE END
Jones! Copyright 3704
BE MY LOVER script