| Welcome to the many wonders and splendors of Sheridan Sheridan's Page of Unadulterated Love and its associated nomenclatures! Here you will see Sheridan Sheridan at his witty best, belting out quip and gag in his quest to entertain AND inform you. You'll find out about many things you've never even though about knowing at any point in the past! Get ready for the ride of your life, and don't blame Sheridan Sheridan if you discover that your life is meaningless in the wake of Sheridan Sheridan's perfection. |
| Now, you may wonder about Sheridan Sheridan's credentials. Why should you listen to him? Why should you trust what he has to say on the matters of life and love? Already, there is the stigma of his being on a correlary site of YAHWAYTH, an organization dedicated to a muttonhead, and his association with Todd Delzinko, the overall proprietor of this grease stain on the tablecloth of the World Wide Web. However, Sheridan Sheridan would advise you to gaze on the disembodied head floating in a blue haze above. Then, look at yourself in the mirror. Can it really hurt to listen to Sheridan Sheridan? Can it hurt to write to Sheridan Sheridan and beg for forgiveness for doubting him? Absolutely not! And before you ask, Sheridan Sheridan forgives you. |
| So you stood on the precipice and stared down into the abyss spread out before you and wondered what would happen if you tumbled over the edge. Well, while you gazed into the rift, the abyss, and by proxy Sheridan Sheridan, looked into you. And Sheridan Sheridan was not happy with what he saw. Not happy at all! Not happy even a tiny lil bit! So what you've got on your hands now is an angry Sheridan Sheridan. How does one appease an angry Sheridan Sheridan? Let's hear some testimony: |
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| Philip Chili: "Well, I had always wanted to visit the Grand Canyon and I finally arrived and I was so excited! So I put on my life jacket and I walked over to the edge of the canyon and I looked in and I saw Sheridan! He was hanging onto a rock and he was looking into my soul! I was all 'Stop it, man!' and Sheridan was all like 'Hey, buddy, you're the one looking into the abyss.' so we were at an impasse. Our eyes locked. Then, I went and sat in my car. After awhile, I drove away. Man, what an intense day!" |
| Philip Chili survived and so can you! Sheridan Sheridan is out there, and you need to be prepared to anger him and run away. However, we need to return to our original point and let Sheridan Sheridan teach you how to try and not be a worthless human being with all his infinite wisdom. Maybe that way, you won't make him mad in the first place. So, let's turn it over to your father and mine, Sheridan Sheridan: |
| "Ola and como esta, my
Sheridanites! "This is the one and only, the totally unphony, Sheridan Sheridan bringing you the word of the Wise One, the statements of the Studly Perpetrator of Stellar Love Crimes, your Handsome Hero and Rambunctious Role Model. All compliments aside, I am very glad to be able to present to you the answers to life's questions, including how to find the one you love and make them love you in a most harmonious and possibly slave-like manner, depending on what sort of relationship you are on the outlook for. If your lonely now, you won't be by the time you finish reading this page or maybe this sentence, as the magic that is the Stunning Sheridan Sheridan. Sheridan Sparkling Studlike Sheridan. Let's address our first issue of consequence! |
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| "The first thing you'll notice there on the left is your Magnificent Meca Man Sheridan '2Sweet' Sheridan, leaning towards the center of attention in the picture so it won't shift too violently to his perfectly prudent persona. What is the issue here, you ask, very much in the manner of a simple plebeian? Very simple, the sultry Sheridan Sheridan, me, would reply. You need friends that will stick to you through all degrees of hardship and the protocol used to determine the type of friend you currently cohabitate with can easily be demonstrable in the elements of this photographic representation of a situation sure to occure all over the world all the time. Let us label them, from left to right, A, B, C, and Deadly Attractive. Now, A would not make a good friend; for the duration of the photo, he clings to B and makes a silly face. B appears ill at ease with all the revelry; his friendship is doubtful during the best of times. C, however, rejoices in life. You would do well to find a C and keep it close to your heart. Deadly Attractive will, of course, be the most perfect friend conceivable and will probly get sick of you, so don't even try. |
| "Learn a lot? Good. Sheridan Sheridan's got more from whence that came. |
| "They tell your Mind-bending Icon that everyone says Sharin' Sheridan Sheridan is the pinnacle of humanity, the apex of evolution, the Final and End Product of All Existence, mon ami. Well, I am not disagreeing in the slightest, since I've known since the day I opened my eyes and surveyed all that was around me and decided that it was *good*, but I will say that Sheridan Sheridan would never let anything like that go to his head. No sir. Sheridan 'Top of the Heap' Sheridan is not one for cockiness. |
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| "Now, in that photo, you may wonder where the love is at? Well, Sheridan Sheridan just wanted to share a beautiful picture of my glory with you. Between Johnny Cash and Sheridan Sheridan, how can this world be all that bad? It can't. Folsom Prison to you is a platinum record and a living legend status to the likes of Johnny Cash, and you can wager your wages that Sheridan Sheridan would strike gold if the inclination so inclined him. So there, non-believer. |
| "Sheridan Sheridan has a rule about hugging. It is this: You will only hug Sheridan Sheridan when there are no other courses, recourses, or decourses of action that are suggested to be taken which, when enacted, will or will not absolutely jeopardize all that stands for good, decency, or morality, although exceptions can be made on a case by case, vis a vis basis that will not be considered in general determination of allowable actions in the realization of hugging Sheridan Sheridan in any manner or form. |
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| "However, everyone should hug this guy if they see him. He is obviously a very unSheridan-like loser and needs it as a reprieve from the rest of his life wherein he is treated like the loathsome, vile creature he appears to be. Sheridan Sheridan recognizes that we are all human beings, but I also realize that not all of us deserve to be treated as such. |
| "If you would like to be more like Sheridan Sheridan, first try getting a haircut. |
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| "Now we reach the meat of Sheridan Sheridan's stellar advice. If you find yourself in the above situation, there are several courses of action you could take to facilitate your continued validity as a human being. You could, in a fit of pique befitting someone of your ecentric status, take the orange cone off of your head and calmly place it on a special shelf where you keep mementos of past triumphs and forgotten loves. You could run to the nearest phone and give your boy Sheridan Sheridan a much-overdue call, then listen to him catalogue all the drawbacks of your current situation, concluding in a brilliant sacrifice at the base of a very tall building that leads to smokin' Sheridan Sheridan acquiring all your worldly possessions. Or you could just cry a lot. Sheridan Sheridan acknowledges the benefits of crying a lot. I, having never required the release of tears, learned of their value from a wise old Eastern sage so I would be able to understand the fits my loser friends experienced when their failures overwhelmed the mediocrity of their day-to-day lives. It was a very revealing two hours. |
| "Now let's meet Sheridan Sheridan's posse. They have my back but if you would like them to have yours, I'm sure that a monetary donation could sway them to temporarily realign themselves in an effort to provide you with the service you feel would best suit your myriad needs. |
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| "In the back wearing the stylish orange cone is the Man of the Hour, Chad Waddell, around whom is based a cult-like following including Sheridan Sheridan's mother and uncle. When everyone else has given up, Waddell steps up to the plate and delivers a clinic on how to be extremely successful without accomplishing anything that would make most almost-beens grow three shades greener with envy. In the middle you have the Original Original OG, Steve Bang, who will make you wish you'd never been born if you attempt to consider even surveying the plausible outcomes of crossing him in a fashion that would lead to any detriment to his lifestyle. Bang is just the sort of guy you want in your corner if you can have anyone you want in your corner and you have his beeper number. And the guy in front? He will crush your head!" |
| And so Sheridan Sheridan's thoughts come to a close, as he leaves us with a photo that has absolutely no meaning and several bits of faulty advice, as well as long stretches of text which make no sense. So, with disappointment ringing in the corridors, let's end on an uber-somber note. |
The breaking waves across
the beach
signalling the coming of hermit crabs
desperate for sunlight and food.
Oh pretty little crab! All you've taught!
by Henrich B. Emmler
