Here is the work that landed me the lucrative position of YAHWAYTH slave. It is long and you will hate it. Hopefully, in the future we will be adding more documents to the the YAHWAYTH archive, but for now you will have to be content with the story you will hate.
But if this single tale doesn't sate your appetite for self-abuse, Your Pal Jones has prepared his own vision of the story I wrote, making his tale a copy of a copy. Odd, yes? Unfortunately, Jones' work makes even less sense than mine does, and even after I cleaned up the grammar and capitalization, I couldn't salvage a coherent plot. As it stands, just ignore the unexplained appearance of several characters, the stunningly dull conclusion, and generally the whole thing. Jones had this to say, "I had an extra two hours of craft time so I wrote a special love story in the vein of Titanic and Star Wars. I hope you love it as much as I love you."
I didn't actually write it so much as steal it from someone else and change all the names. It took a long time, though, so it feel like I wrote it. You will feel like you wrote it and hate yourself for it before long. So: Enjoy to the utmost of your ability! Yay!
ULTRA-DERIVATIVE: a very special story about water
conservation
INT. HUGE LIVER-LIKE LOCATION
A huge angry MONKEY is banging pots and pans together. Three
midgets are playing tag on the other side of the liver. The
MONKEY stops making noise and pulls a gun out of a pouch.
MONKEY
Freeze! LAPD!
A horrified look on the midgets' faces as they each stop their
motion. Suddenly, a tidal wave of acid sweeps all the
participants away.
INT. TODD DELZINKO'S VAN (REAR SECTION)
DELZINKO jumps up, hits his head on the ceiling, and collapses in
a pile of sobbing rags. Five minutes pass before DELZINKO peers
out of the floppy raincoat he wears as pajamas. Outside the van,
several small woodland creatures are gathered and chattering
loudly. DELZINKO frowns and bangs on his window, scattering the
tiny beasts.
EXT. CHAD WADDELL'S WELL-GROOMED LAWN
DELZINKO and JONES stand on a sidewalk, patiently waiting for
some event.
DELZINKO
So, how'd the court case go, Jones? Did you try to eat the
judge's robes again?
JONES snorts and picks at his teeth as DELZINKO's attention
wanders.
JONES
This time I just skipped the middleman and gnawed on the judge's
wig.
DELZINKO
What was that? I was looking at the clouds. That one is shaped
like a samurai.
JONES lunges at DELZINKO with his mouth open, but stops when CHAD
WADDELL, clad in clear plastic wrap, opens the door.
WADDELL
Ello? What's going on, mates? We blimey well weren't due to head
over to the gig until 3 o'clock.
DELZINKO smacks WADDELL.
DELZINKO
Hey! Uno, you're not British! Deuce, we have to set up our
equipment before we can perform!
WADDELL
Yeah, I'm swollen with citrus tang.
JONES
What?
WADDELL
(sighs) Fine. Let me get ready. You guys are idiots. I never
should have killed and eaten your lead singer to inherit his
mantle.
They all walk into WADDELL's guest-entertaining area. WADDELL
goes into his personal domicile as DELZINKO and JONES seat
themselves in inflatable furniture. WADDELL's father ZEUS, GOD OF
THUNDER AND HOSPITALITY, enters the room, wielding a thunderbolt.
ZEUS
Lads! I know not why Waddell finds his friends among mortals, but
you constitute the greatest members of your races!
DELZINKO
Howzat?
ZEUS
Well, Delzinko, slayer of Larstom, God of Good Taste, and
Ponglar, swift-footed nymph of the Stricken Sea, you have proven
yourself time and again in fierce battles of wits with your
lunatic companion! Your lineage is immaculate! You smell of mint!
Lo, that you could have stood by my side when I charged into
battle with mighty Typhon!
JONES
Man, Zeus, what about me?
ZEUS
Should the Titans rise again, good Jones, I would use your
stilled body to bludgeon them back into the pits of Tartarus.
ZEUS summons forth a small rat-like creature who runs into the
nearby room. The beast returns carrying a box, which it sets at
ZEUS' feet. As ZEUS reaches into the box and pulls out an
obscured object, the beast disappears.
DELZINKO
Mother of monkeys!
JONES
It's an apple-tossin' liver!
DELZINKO
Zeus, you didn't kill somebody again did you?
ZEUS
Tis an ancient relic, son. When brilliant Prometheus did cross
me, I strung him to a mountain, halfway 'tween Heavenly Olympus
and smoggy Gaia, and my loyal eagle Mohawk chewed through his
liver. After 15,000 years, I strode to Prometheus' place of
imprisonment and ripped his liver from his body as a memento of
Zeus' justice! He grew a new one, but it's more a symbol than
anything else.
WADDELL returns to the room, wearing a bright maroon suit.
WADDELL
Dad! You dragged out Prometheus' liver again! You always
humiliate me!
JONES
I wish I could remember where I put my old livers.
WADDELL
Jones, those were bran muffins you dyed red in Kool-Aid. Are we
out yet?
DELZINKO
Out of what yet?
WADDELL
Out of here, man. Use some hip lingo on occasion! What are you,
some sort of fruit booty?
DELZINKO
And being a fruit booty would be somewhat similar to what?
WADDELL
You guys are so lizzame!
DELZINKO
Is that a good or bad thing?
WADDELL
Forget it, Mr. Slappy.
DELZINKO
Gladly.
JONES
I'm glad we got the coolspeak for the day out of the way. Now we
can talk like the losers we are.
DELZINKO
I could go for a quick Pokemon match.
ZEUS
Where do your brave exploits take you today my son?
WADDELL
We're playing at Jimmy's club, dad.
ZEUS
Jimmy! Forsooth! He who has ridden the highway as Selene peers at
the world after an all-night test of his strength and virtue,
often dripping with spirits! He who takes his life in his hands
every time he steps into the illumination of grand Helios! A
worthy comrade for the son of Zeus!
WADDELL
Whatever, Dad. Heracles said he was coming by later to clean the
house. Check you later.
DELZINKO
Check you later? Why perpetrate the hot lingo festival?
JONES
Let us be gone! Orbephat awaits!
EXT. ORBEPHAT'S INSTALLATION
DELZINKO's van pulls up in a clearing in the forest. As the three
band members approach the secret lair of ORBEPHAT THE EVIL AMEBA,
they chat.
DELZINKO
Waddell, you seen your boy the Coolant lately?
WADDELL
Well, he's always around, watching and waiting for the right
moment to strike. Ever since he thought I told the authorities
about his plot to napalm the local library, he's been pretty low
profile. He's not even writing letters to the local paper so
nobody knows what he's been up to. I'll put an X in the window
tonight so he'll give me some instructions on how to contact him.
JONES
How far is it to the entrance of Orbephat's secret lair?
Suddenly, a machine lumbers out of the woods. Within the
mechanical monstrosity is the unicellular evil overlord ORBEPHAT.
DELZINKO
Orbephat! Nice new robot!
ORBEPHAT (robot voice)
Damn! I forgot about the gig! I intended to spend the day
terrorizing the nearby small town with my mechanical malice!
DELZINKO
How could you forget about your guest vocals on our underground
hit Stank of the Lost Soul?
The robot suddenly begins to play YMCA by the Village
People. DELZINKO, JONES, and WADDELL start to dance. ORBEPHAT
makes angry noises.
ORBEPHAT
Fools! You are pathetic! Dance like the Indian, Cowboy,
Businessman, and Vagrant! You will not dance like that when I
crush you!
JONES
We can't help it that we're funky, man! Woo hoo! I am a bucket of
love!
ORBEPHAT
If I did not like your behavior, I would use ultra-low sound
waves to reprogram your heads into believing what I wanted you
to! My super mechanical robot can do anything!
WADDELL
Man, you are wacky sometimes, you lovable ameba. (robot begins to
jerk around) Orbephat, turn off that song!
EXT. CLUB
The group is standing outside of a club; the windows are boarded
over and the sign over the door has been covered with paint. All
the band's equipment is piled on ORBEPHAT's robot.
DELZINKO
I miss the good old days. Our gigs used to be at clubs that
stayed open until we played there. Jones, you lined this one up,
yes?
JONES bites his lip.
DELZINKO
Hey Orbephat! Why don't you use your super technological mastery
to reprogram Jones' head so that he's sane enough to book us a
valid performance?
ORBEPHAT
Gerbleah, fool! I would only use this machine for the conquest I
built it for!
JONES
I lined this gig up so we could play on the roof of the club,
like U2 and Limp Bizkitz! We will be gods of rock!
WADDELL
Hey, retards, I know what we can do.
WADDELL raises his arms in the air and makes it rain. Then he
whispers something into ORBEPHAT's robot's audio sensor. ORBEPHAT
appears appeased.
WADDELL
Das is good?
ORBEPHAT
The idea does intrigue me.
ORBEPHAT begins to tinker with a few devices on the robot's
torso.
As ORBEPHAT prepares itself, DELZINKO's attention wanders and he
begins to fall asleep. JONES pulls a marker out of his pocket and
begins to draw on DELZINKO's face.
ORBEPHAT
Prepare, mortals, for a sight that will haunt you for all
eternity!
JONES snickers to himself as he places the marker back in his
pocket. He slaps DELZINKO, waking him up.
DELZINKO
What? Did I go to sleep?
JONES
No, time sped up. I noticed because your sneakers are on fire.
DELZINKO looks at his shoes, which are wet because he's been
standing in a puddle. He takes a step back, losing his footing
and falling at the feet of a prostitute named CINNAMON.
JONES howls with laughter at the picture on DELZINKO's face; it
makes him look like a clown.
DELZINKO
Crap. I'm going to kill Jones. What are you looking at?
CINNAMON
A clown, I guess.
DELZINKO
You've got problems, lady.
DELZINKO hauls himself to his feet, only to be pepper-sprayed by
CINNAMON. He staggers back to the group.
ORBEPHAT
Now!
A laser show appears in the rain, scripting the story of a
caricature man who gets shot out of several cartoon cannons. A
pair of identical twins stop to watch the show.
TWIN I
That was unnecessarily violent. I can't believe anyone would be
entertained by a laser show of a man getting shot out of a cannon
over and over.
TWIN II
Yeah, cartoons and laser shows shouldn't be violent. They're for
kids.
TWIN I
Some people just have no taste at all.
WADDELL is watching the couple, rage consuming his face. He
couldn't hear what they said over the rain; he just hates twins.
ORBEPHAT puts his robot body between WADDELL and the others.
ORBEPHAT
Listen to the fools dancing, eh?
WADDELL
Amen to that. I see twins everywhere everyday. They even put them
on television!
WADDELL snarls like a feral beast.
ORBEPHAT
If you despise twins so much, why don't you smite them?
WADDELL gazes at ORBEPHAT in a manner most perturbed.
ORBEPHAT raises a robot hand high.
ORBEPHAT
Waddell, you are a harbinger of change. You can mold the world as
you see fit.
WADDELL nods knowingly.
ORBEPHAT
I am a creature of the Earth, so my influence and confluence is
limited. You, however, are the offspring of Zeus, and his divine
blood allows you a sphere of power that shapes all you place your
hands upon! You're even sort of smart.
WADDELL appears confused.
ORBEPHAT
Oh, for Orangehead's sake. Let me make this simple. You Waddell.
You smart. You can stop all this. You can show them.
WADDELL
Heck yeah! I'm a bloody gladiator!
DELZINKO (o.s.)
Waddell, Orbephat! You guys too busy getting intimate to switch
off the rain?
WADDELL shakes his head and the rain stops. He laughs at the
smeared clown get-up on DELZINKO's face.
WADDELL (giggling)
Man, when did Ragnarok hit and make you God of Stupidity?
INT. BEAN'S COUNTRY PALACE
Sudden cut to DELZINKO standing outside a huge crystal palace.
Several armed guards bar his way.
BEAN (o.s.)
Enter.
DELZINKO squeezes between the guards. He walks into the palace
anteroom, where BEAN THE SMART CAT sits on a silk pillow.
BEAN bares her teeth at DELZINKO as he steps nearer.
BEAN
You am not to be touching pretty kitty today. What Delzinko am
being here for?
DELZINKO sits carefully in the doorway.
DELZINKO
You're so cute, Bean!
BEAN
What you am wanting now? Me am soon to be snoozing in kitty nap.
DELZINKO starts to lean forward but a carefully calibrated field
of electromagnetic energy shocks him.
DELZINKO
Fine. I had this dream that there was a big evil monkey the other
night. Monkeys scare me. I woke up terrified.
BEAN
So that is how you am being awake when Bean Army of many woodland
beasts am coming there to kill you!
DELZINKO
Oh, Bean, you're so silly. I know you're too cuddly a kitty to
try to kill me! Bean is a fluffy lil muffin of love. Awwww.
BEAN looks angry.
DELZINKO blinks innocently several times.
DELZINKO
Bean am angry? Awwww. Bean am so sweet when Bean am angry!
BEAN
You am not being good scum! Me am someday being with big knife to
killing you like shrimp being on barbie!
DELZINKO
Well, that's not too bad. I hang out with an evil ameba and a
crazy violent guy everyday of my life.
BEAN squints and shakes her head.
BEAN
They am not dangerous like Waddell am always being dangerous.
DELZINKO smirks and turns to leave.
BEAN
Todd?
DELZINKO turns around.
DELZINKO
Das?
BEAN
You am soon being dead when me am having time to be having you
scrubbed like very nasty cockroach.
DELZINKO smiles, nods his head, and leaves.
INT. BURGER KING
WADDELL, wearing an employee vest, is arguing with a customer at
Burger King. His face is contorted in anger and he has dried
ketchup in his hair.
WADDELL
Listen! The Whopper is a hamburger! It comes with meat! It is
based around the meat product in the middle!
CUSTOMER
I tried it with meat once and I didn't like it. I want it without
the meat. Instead, I want to put my lucky rabbit's foot in the
middle.
WADDELL
Oh, how is that not meat?
CUSTOMER
It is meat from the store, so I know it passed safety
inspections.
WADDELL
And where do you think we got our meat? Do you think we smuggle
it in from some third world nation? Do you see trucks driving up
in the middle of the night with tape over their license plate?
CUSTOMER
Well, yes.
WADDELL
If you ever try to testify against me, I'll rip your head off and
serve it to your family on a tray!
CUSTOMER
I'm taking my business to McDonald's.
WADDELL
Never come back, Jezebel!
CUSTOMER frowns at WADDELL and leaves. The scene fades into a
clichéd montage of shots with WADDELL arguing with people,
gesticulating madly and driving the customer away each time.
Animal noises play over the action until twins come up to the
counter and WADDELL reaches beneath the counter and withdraws a
taser. He points it at the twins but can't get it to work so he
throws it at them and runs away. The screen artfully goes black
as a deep voice proclaims, "There are no more cowboys!"
(Echoes into blackness)
INT. THE COOLANT'S SAFEHOUSE
WADDELL walks into the house of THE COOLANT, feared terrorist and
lifetime compadre of the Waddell-erific one. THE COOLANT's screen
man BARON OTTO VON SNUKENHAUFF is sitting on a beanbag watching
the wall intently.
WADDELL
Baron. Props to you.
BARON SNUKENHAUFF
Verily. May I return the props tenfold to you, most talented of
all the myriad and various dregs of society who drag their
carcasses across the fabled doorway of the terrifying and
titillating king of slinging evil across the globe in a
horrifying cacophony of slaughter and very bad deeds. Shall I
summon the Coolant from his dank and dark lair in the pits of the
Earth beneath this unassuming domicile?
WADDELL
S'all good, Baron. I'll check you later.
BARON SNUKENHAUFF
Indeed.
WADDELL smiles pleasantly before leaving the room to head deeper
into the house.
INT. BASEMENT/LABORATORY
WADDELL walks into the laboratory, narrowly missing stepping in
the remains of one of the COOLANT's failed cloning experiments.
He sees the COOLANT folding laundry. THE COOLANT acknowledges
WADDELL without looking up to see him.
COOLANT
Salutations, Waddell. What brings you to my sanctuary?
WADDELL
Life has been different for me lately. I find myself overwhelmed
by petty hatreds that I've been secretly nursing for several
years and have finally caused to bloom. People only listen to me
when I'm making fun of them so that they can get all huffy and
snap at me.
COOLANT
Welcome to the real world, tot.
WADDELL
It's been making me angry to realize how small and meaningless
the individual is, so I feel like I need to do something about
it.
COOLANT
When I find myself agitated and without a reason to attack, I
take a nap. I am going to assume you will do something
irrational.
WADDELL
Damn straight! And you'll help me, right? You've got the
know-how.
COOLANT
Waddell, we have been tres fantastique amis for a long time now.
Have I ever said no to you before?
WADDELL
Yes. There was that time that I asked you to mention me on
television during your trial and you didn't.
COOLANT
Besides that.
WADDELL
I suppose not. Now, we need a great idea.
Both stare off into space.
COOLANT
Actually, you could always bomb something. It's been done before,
but you'll make the news.
WADDELL
Truedat, boy-eeeeee! Of course, I was hoping for some plot less
played, you know?
COOLANT
Last week, a horrendous tidal wave squashed the tiny coastal town
of San Bernino. It's the first time that's ever happened in the
area. Now the natives all fear some type of repeat performance
and they are calling on their king, who is a frog, to appease the
angry crab gods.
WADDELL nods. Both sit in silence for a moment.
WADDELL
That's bloody well it!
COOLANT
And you intend that to mean?
WADDELL
I've got it! An eclipse!
COOLANT
Despite the fact that I made the entirety of what I just said up,
I will now claim the somewhat dubious distinction of inspiring
whatever tirade you will now engage in to explain your monumental
concept.
WADDELL
We can build a machine that will change all things! We can
control nature! All I have to do is tap into the quantum
characteristics of energy and I can be unto a god! Only in this
sick and twisted fairy tale, I will use my power to smite and not
to make right!
COOLANT
And now I will withdraw my earlier claim as you have responded to
my very valid suggestion with sheer idiocy.
WADDELL
This will rock! If only I knew where to start with my quest for
control of the universe's furnace!
COOLANT
Perhaps if I hacked into the computers of the alien race who
secretly control the planet, I could distill the scientific
knowledge you need for your machine from their advanced
technology.
WADDELL
We need to get to work on this quickly. You get that information
and I'll draw pictures of Doris Day naked!
WADDELL grabs some paper off a convenient table and starts
drawing as the scene fades out.
EXT. DELZINKO's VAN
Fade into shot of DELZINKO's van. Cut-to DELZINKO and JONES
sitting in the front seat of the van playing magnetic Checkers.
DELZINKO
Waddell has disappeared off the face of the Earth since that
taser incident.
JONES
Why does Pepsi think we will buy soft drinks from evil mutant
monkeys?
DELZINKO
He's probably hiding out at the Coolant's since he's wanted for
endangerment. Every time he commits a misdemeanor he takes cover
wherever Coolant's stuck himself.
DELZINKO jumps one of JONES' kings; JONES curses.
DELZINKO
Man, I always forget that we know an authentic international
terrorist. I wonder where his latest safe house is.
JONES picks up one of his checkers and eats it. He begins to
quiver and then takes all the checkers and eats them.
DELZINKO
Maybe if I search the pornographic newsgroups, I can find his
e-mail address. We better head to your house.
JONES starts to chew on the checkerboard.
INT. THE COOLANT'S SAFEHOUSE
DELZINKO walks into the COOLANT's house, taking in the scenery as
he searches through it. He eventually comes to the television
room, where WADDELL lays prone on the floor staring at the
ceiling. He wears a dirty toga and hasn't shaved in several days.
A few small birds are eating parasites off his body.
WADDELL
I feel a disturbance in the ventilation of this room. Judging by
the diminutive size, it must Todd Delzinko. My advice is to lay
off the Pop Tarts.
DELZINKO
Hola, hombre. So have you sworn off bathing or did I just catch
you at a bad time?
WADDELL
Your humor is rather lacking, Mr. Delzinko. Perhaps you should
take a class.
DELZINKO
Looks like you could use some class yourself.
WADDELL
The more you try to zing me, the easier it is for me to ignore
you.
DELZINKO
You've been around the Coolant too long. Where is he anyway?
WADDELL
Hell if I know. Listen. I will sing you a song I wrote while I
was laying here.
WADDELL extends a hand; a gust of wind throws a guitar into it.
WADDELL (singing)
Life is great when you're all alone
It's lots of fun without a phone
But all I want, is a little love
Someone who won't steal my gloves
I need a woman that will let me be me
Cause that's what I am indeed
Life isn't about throwing fans
off tall buildings or making plans
to conquer the world through rock 'n' rol-llllllllllll....
DELZINKO
That was nice, man.
WADDELL
I hope you took the hint. Just a moment.
WADDELL stands and leaves the room. DELZINKO bites his lips; he
is obviously concerned. Suddenly, the birds attack him, driving
him back into as corner, where he hits a button that spins the
wall around. Camera follows DELZINKO's face as he realizes what
he is seeing and grows horrified. The wall spins back around, and
DELZINKO collapses on the floor. WADDELL returns with BARON
SNUKENHAUFF.
DELZINKO
Baron! Coolant can't be far behind, eh?
BARON SNUKENHAUFF
He is currently occupied in exploits varied and sundry, but I
will be sure to let him know you called on us.
DELZINKO
Well, I just wanted to check out what was up, fellas. I better
get going since I left Jones in the van with the windows up.
Waddell, freshen up sometime buddy.
WADDELL grins.
WADDELL
Soon, we will all be fresh. Very fresh indeed.
FADE OUT:
INT. BEAN'S COUNTRY PALACE
DELZINKO sits in the doorway of BEAN's anteroom; he has been
outfitted with a straitjacket.
BEAN
Me am wondering what possible weird thought could be making you
come back here again.
DELZINKO
Bean, listen! Let me out this jacket! I won't try to pet the
pretty kitty!
BEAN
You am needing to stop being much stupids with your head. It am
always acting so defective!
DELZINKO
Something you said last time has turned out to be true, Bean!
Waddell is a dangerous man! I saw something that I don't
understand and you're the smartest cat in all the world, so I
hoped you would be able to tell me what Waddell is doing. The
whole planet is in danger! Won't you help me?
BEAN
Me am not caring at all about very stupid planet. Once things am
going to be getting sour, me am hardcore gone! Where me am
sitting close to am very little red button to be pressing so
whole palace am spaceship! Little kitty am going to be on Mars!
DELZINKO
What about Waddell?
BEAN
Waddell am always eating very many waffles! Therein am lying him
very very bad secret!
DELZINKO
Of course! Bean, you're such a smart kitty! There is hope!
Security guards appear and drag DELZINKO out of the palace.
INT. DELZINKO'S VAN (REAR SECTION)
DELZINKO and JONES are sitting on the floor of the van. Papers
with sketches on them are strewn about. Those near JONES almost
all feature monsters with several eyes.
DELZINKO
I wish I could figure out what I saw. It was almost like reality
was twisting and bending. There just aren't words vague enough.
JONES
Perhaps an evil has been unleashed from another dimension. It
will reach through our realm with squid-like appendages to snatch
away all the potted plants and choke off our oxygen!
DELZINKO
It wouldn't even be that bad except The Coolant is in on it, and
he's a professional. He's got his thumb on a lot of pulses. I
wonder who we can trust.
JONES
If there is conquest involved in Waddell and the evil squid's
plot, then Orbephat would never go along with it. He wants the
world for his unicellular self.
DELZINKO nods his assent. He doesn't notice the squirrel
listening on the top of his van.
DELZINKO
Let's make like dried corn and get to popping then, amigo.
EXT. WOODLAND CLEARING
DELZINKO and JONES sit on the grass as they detail what they know
about the situation. ORBEPHAT laughs heartily after every
statement; he is making tasty shakes with his robot body.
DELZINKO
We don't have the scientific know-how to stop whatever fiendish
device Waddell has constructed. You're the only person, or
organism, I guess, that has the sheer brilliance to halt his
malicious machinations.
JONES
Delzinko is useless because all he can do is sound half-literate.
ORBEPHAT giggles as he hands JONES a shake.
ORBEPHAT
Waddell thinks he can bring this ball of mud to its knees? Why am
I less than concerned?
DELZINKO
It's hyper-legit, man, and we need you to step up.
ORBEPHAT
Perhaps I could be convinced of our shared peril.
ORBEPHAT hands DELZINKO a vanilla shake.
DELZINKO
All right. Waddell is setting up some multi-layered plot. What I
saw looked like some sort of weird energy manifestation, almost
like a localized black hole.
JONES
Waddell smells like a genius. Delzinko smells like a plumber.
Advantage Waddell.
ORBEPHAT
Gerbleah! What you fools consider a genius is a mere amateur to
one with my intellect! Waddell is short and soft; how much
trouble can he present to my invincible robot body?
DELZINKO
Waddell has mastered the ancient art of machete-hurling,
Orbephat! We shouldn't look for a physical confrontation with
him. We need to make this an exercise in mental conflict!
Plato-style!
JONES
Well, reasoning won't do any good. He's better at that, too. He
could build a nuclear weapon and convince someone it's okay to
launch it at their foot.
ORBEPHAT
Statements like that are indications of why you can't function in
society, Jones.
DELZINKO
But he does have a point. None of us are rational enough to argue
a point without it degenerating into a pop-culture festival of
cut-downs and insults. We have to use our last remaining option.
JONES is frightened suddenly by the disappearance of the sun as
ORBEPHAT nods.
DELZINKO
We have to break his machine.
JONES yelps suddenly as the sun reappears. ORBEPHAT continues to
nod.
ORBEPHAT
How will you dismantle this machine?
DELZINKO
I'm pretty good at breaking stuff. And I know it's at the
Coolant's because I saw it. Someone will have to distract Waddell
while I bang on the machine with a wrench though.
JONES
Oh, the carnival has come to town! We could distract The Coolant
with pretty pictures of sunsets and if Waddell happens to turn
up, well, we'll make a vegetable out of him!
DELZINKO
Actually, you should probably leave Waddell to me. I'll go find
out his weakness from the omniscient Bean. I'm the only one
she'll talk to.
ORBEPHAT
I thought you were going to break the machine?
DELZINKO
Whatever. Maybe I'll end up being really busy.
INT. WADDELL'S HOUSE
The maid CONSUELA is the only one at the house. She picks up the
phone.
CONSUELA
Hola?
SPEAKER
Hello? Mr. or Mrs. Waddell?
CONSUELA
No hablo English.
SPEAKER
Your child was not at school today.
CONSUELA
El Waddello? El Waddello?
SPEAKER
If he doesn't attend school tomorrow, he won't graduate!
CONSUELA
Adios!
CONSUELA hangs up.
INT. BEAN'S COUNTRY PALACE
DELZINKO sits in the doorway as he has two times before. BEAN
lounges on her pillow, licking up some designer cat food.
BEAN
Delzinko, what am being you wanting to hear?
DELZINKO
Tell me about the machine! Tell me about Waddell!
BEAN yawns.
DELZINKO
What if I'm in there wailing on the machine and Waddell walks in
with one of his machetes? What do I do?
BEAN
Let me am thinking for moment.
DELZINKO
Bean, you're my only hope! That waffle tip was golden!
BEAN
Okay. Me am finished making info up in brain. You am beginning
much long and danger on journey. You am being the only hope for
people all born and died after now. You am having better grasp of
many ideas about politics and street lay-out than Waddell am
having. Be using it for always big advantage.
DELZINKO (sobbing)
Thank you Bean! You're a godsend!
Security arrives to escort the bound DELZINKO out but they pause
when BEAN speaks again.
BEAN
You am always being so stupid and ugly! Be knowing this: you am
right this moment being in much danger and you am not a little
bit even knowing why!
DELZINKO
I can deal, yo.
INT. ORBEPHAT'S SECRET LAIR
While DELZINKO confers with BEAN, ORBEPHAT is fine-tuning its
robot body. It replaces one of the devices on its hand with a
very naughty-looking weapon and practices waving it around
threateningly. ORBEPHAT begins to laugh, slowly growing louder
and louder until it fills the air. Then the robot body begins to
play YMCA again and ORBEPHAT curses vehemently.
INT. THE COOLANT'S LABORATORY
WADDELL bursts into the COOLANT's basement; reacting
instantaneously, the COOLANT spins and fires, shearing off half
of WADDELL's face.
WADDELL
Ouch!
The COOLANT looks sheepish.
COOLANT
You surprised me, buddy. A few FBI people have been snooping
around lately.
WADDELL
Listen! I just talked to our maid! She says they were trying to
reach me. They're trying to stop me through a long and elaborate
game of phone tag!
COOLANT
They?
WADDELL
Who else? The Russian Mob! I knew Sergei would catch up with me!
COOLANT
You don't even know Sergei. I told you a story about him once.
WADDELL
Well then, it must be Delzinko and Jones and that crowd! Thank
God it's not Sergei though. I was worried.
COOLANT
What do you intend to do?
WADDELL
I have to go somewhere. If I'm not back here in 20 minutes you'll
have to back me up!
WADDELL turns and sprints out.
COOLANT
Wait! Waddell! What kind of a plan was that? Were you cloned from
a rock? Could you be any less helpful?
EXT. TRAILER PARK (SUN SETTING)
DELZINKO, JONES, and ORBEPHAT sit on a park bench near where
DELZINKO's van is parked. They have decided to finalize their
plans before they confront WADDELL.
JONES
Does anyone have a spare Q-Tip? I want to clean out my ears
before we face Waddell.
DELZINKO
Well, I guess no one has anything useful to add to the plan.
JONES
What's to add? You're going to break something. We're going to
stand around and talk about what it means to be an American.
DELZINKO picks up his keys.
JONES (yelling)
I'm proud to be an American because I can freely practice my
religion and say whatever I want unless it offends someone! Also,
there are plenty of shoes! We have the best television channels!
If there is an ocean close, we can swim in it!
ORBEPHAT uses the loud spiel to creep away in robot stealth mode.
It notices WADDELL in the distance and quickly digs a foxhole to
take cover in.
DELZINKO
Wait a minute! Look at the sun!
JONES
My therapist told me not to.
DELZINKO
Jones, dagnabbit, I didn't mean you! I was indicating a sudden
realization out loud!
JONES pushes DELZINKO off the bench.
JONES
I suddenly realized I didn't want to be sitting next to you!
Through the brush, DELZINKO spots WADDELL approaching.
DELZINKO
Spittoon! Jones, try to act normal.
JONES
I think you should. You're the one getting all worked up about
Chad Waddell.
DELZINKO stands and dusts himself off.
DELZINKO
Tally-ho Waddell! Hey, buddy! What's the good word?
WADDELL
Apocalypse. Isn't it amazing how we all just ended up here?
DELZINKO
Not really. I live here.
WADDELL
And how do you think I know that? I put a tracer on your van!
I've been monitoring you since day one!
WADDELL dances gleefully.
WADDELL
We all know that we each know what the other one doesn't want us
to know. Why don't we take turns and explain our respective
reasons?
JONES
Waddell! We were just scouting around for animal droppings! A
gorilla escaped from the zoo and we want the reward! No harm in
that, eh?
WADDELL
Quiet yourself, Jones!
DELZINKO
Jones and I came out here to find partners for dominoes. Homeless
people always hang out here and they make the best players.
WADDELL
All the homeless people got arrested two weeks ago, Todd.
DELZINKO
We can always hope that someone made bail though.
WADDELL begins to throw small pebbles at DELZINKO, hoping to wear
him down.
DELZINKO
Come on, Waddell. We're looking for the gorilla. Really.
JONES
Yeah, Waddell, we don't want you to get any of our sweet reward
money! You might use it to power your magical machine!
WADDELL starts to turn to JONES, but the remainder of his face
slips off. He scoops it off the ground and replaces it as he
talks.
WADDELL
My keen intellect allowed me to see right through your pathetic
lies, especially when you told me what I wanted to know like a
simpleton!
DELZINKO
Whatever. Let's listen to the crazy person on the scene.
JONES has wandered away, starting to search for the escaped
gorilla. He spots ORBEPHAT in the foxhole and notices the weapon
attached to ORBEPHAT's arm. JONES smiles because he thinks that
ORBEPHAT will shoot someone.
JONES
Orbephat! I got dibs on freezer rights!
ORBEPHAT's robot head swivels towards JONES.
ORBEPHAT
Do you think I would truly come to the aid of multi-cellular
parasites like yourself?
JONES smiles.
JONES
We can be a team then! I would like to be evil. Imagine the
unstoppable team of Jones and Orbephat! Delzinko always thought
you were kidding about killing everyone, but I knew the truth.
It's impossible for an ameba to have a heart!
ORBEPHAT
Why would I, soon-to-be emperor of a vast single cell organism
breeding ground, want a tag-along such as yourself?
JONES
Because I make good mocha lattes and I'm fun at parties. Why
else?
ORBEPHAT
I hate you all! Fools! I was always playing along as your friend
to manipulate you! I will be lord of all I survey!
JONES
But you can't have been lying all that time. I was there.
ORBEPHAT
You don't think I can lie? This is a robot! I can't even talk
without it! Gerbleah! The only reason I never succeeded before
was my lack of a large, mobile body!
JONES laughs.
JONES
You're nuts, man. One robot can't hold down the world. It floats.
ORBEPHAT
Do you have any comprehension of the real world? You should have
been fed to piranhas at birth.
JONES
I can understand why you never tried to crack jokes, Orby.
JONES suddenly lunges for the weapon hand on ORBEPHAT's robot. He
firmly grabs it and starts to chew on it.
ORBEPHAT
Stop with the saliva! Do you want to die? I can kill you! I can
make you kill yourself with my hypnotic post-audio soundwaves! I
can make you play the game the same way I made Waddell!
JONES
Waddell is his own man! We are independent in America because we
are free! No ameba can change that!
The two continue to struggle. JONES manages to yank the weapon
hand off.
ORBEPHAT
Gerbleah! I mesmerized Waddell! I'll do the same for you. No one
can resist the influence of mighty Orbephat!
JONES staggers away, waving the weapon hand wildly at ORBEPHAT as
if to fire it.
ORBEPHAT
Fool! That only works on an appendage of my robot!
JONES looks curiously at the weapon in his hands, then puts it in
his mouth.
ORBEPHAT
Let's talk plans! I made Waddell my whipping boy! He does the
work and I reap the benefits once he has smashed the world with a
mighty fist! Then I will no longer have to deal with the disease
that is humanity.
JONES
It's not proper for a robot to talk while I'm eating.
JONES drops the weapon hand and falls to his knees, his hands
clapping over his ears.
ORBEPHAT
Now you are yet another slave in the grasp of the conquering
ameba!
EXT. PARK
DELZINKO
Waddell, stop being a damn fool. You can't accomplish anything by
making a black hole here. It would suck.
WADDELL
Make a black hole? What are you talking about? I built a machine
to allow me control over all forms of energy! I can make light go
in circles! I can make sound bake bread!
DELZINKO
What?
WADDELL
And what am I going to do with my magical machine? I'm going to
cut the Earth in two! It's what the world deserves for not
canceling the sitcoms I hate!
DELZINKO
That's not accomplishing anything either. If you go through with
this, you'll be prematurely ending the sitcoms you like along
with the one you don't!
WADDELL
So what? I tell funnier stories to myself in my head! I've got a
VCR, so I can relive the glory days too! All my bases are
covered.
DELZINKO
You're going to slice the planet in half for probably the dumbest
reason I've ever heard.
WADDELL
I'm also sick of working at Burger King. I've been there four
years and they still make me gargle the fry grease.
DELZINKO
Maybe you should apply somewhere else.
WADDELL
That's exactly what I'm going to do Todd! I'm applying to a
higher power! Time to tell the idiots goodnight.
DELZINKO
You know what you sound like, Waddell? That DJ guy on the radio,
who's always calling people and being rude. You don't get what
you want so you violate everyone by killing them, which is
actually a heckuva lot worse than making a nasty phone call!
WADDELL
I don't care. I'm on a power trip and I've got mental issues.
DELZINKO
You really want to destroy the world?
WADDELL
No. It won't be destroyed. Just different.
DELZINKO
Well, you'll die too. The world will wilt, and you right along
with.
WADDELL stops and ponders this for a moment.
WADDELL
Actually, I won't because I'm Zeus' son. We've always got our
summer home in Olympus.
DELZINKO slaps himself in the forehead.
DELZINKO
Waddell, stop being such an insufferable cock. You're so stupid!
You're plan is stupid and everything you do is stupid!
DELZINKO realizes he can never get through to WADDELL.
Determination shows on his face as he lunges at WADDELL. They
begin to grapple.
WADDELL
Aaaargh!
DELZINKO knocks WADDELL's feet out from under him and falls on
top of him.
DELZINKO
Man, I hope nobody sees us like this.
WADDELL
They will see me drinking wine from a goblet made of your skull!
They roll around, exchanging shots. DELZINKO suffers little, but
WADDELL is devastated, primarily because his face is completely
detached from his skull.
DELZINKO (screaming)
Enough! I don't want your nasty blood to stain my shirt!
DELZINKO throws WADDELL off and stands.
DELZINKO
Besides, I'm exhausted. You have infinite endurance and I'm tired
of struggling against your unfair advantage. All your godly
qualities make people respect you, even if they don't agree with
your often inane assertions. Sure, they might make sense on an
immortal time scale, but to the people who only have a little bit
of living to do, you sound like some sort of maniac. They can't
comprehend you, so you've got to let them be. They shouldn't have
to worry about Storm Bringer Waddell shattering their illusions.
WADDELL thinks about this for a few moments.
WADDELL
Hey, that makes a lot of sense. Thanks for setting me straight.
DELZINKO
You mean all that crap I just said made you stop whatever crazy
plot you hatched? Man, no wonder everybody thinks you're mentally
deficient.
WADDELL suddenly tenses up.
WADDELL
You dare to denigrate a godling?
DELZINKO falters.
DELZINKO
I didn't mean it quite that way, no.
WADDELL
You will suffer for your insolence!
Suddenly, WADDELL seizes up, as if he someone were pulling the
strings to a puppet.
WADDELL
Beep. Beep beep beep.
ORBEPHAT bursts from the ground. Several earthworms land on
DELZINKO.
ORBEPHAT
Ha ha ha! I have succeeded. Waddell is wired directly into his
device! I've begun the sequence! This planet will rot and die!
DELZINKO
Orbephat?
WADDELL resumes his normal countenance.
WADDELL
Man, that was weird. Did anybody see where I placed my
undergarments?
JONES marches out of the forest, arms extended.
JONES
You will all be consumed by the evil spirit of the evil ameba!
DELZINKO scoots towards JONES.
DELZINKO
Hey, man, what's up with you?
JONES
You will all be consumed by the evil spirit of the evil ameba!
WADDELL
Orbephat appears to have severed my mental connection to the
Diphorous Energetic Transcenducifier! However, I programmed in a
five minute delay for when I eventually came to my senses! If
only we could reach the Coolant's!
ORBEPHAT brandishes his weapon arm.
ORBEPHAT
You know I can't let you do that. It would sort of diminish the
whole effect I'm going for.
DELZINKO
If your entire plot evolved around Waddell successfully creating
a world-shattering device, I think it's pretty shaky. None of you
guys are as smart as you claim to be.
ORBEPHAT (with robot voice volume cranked to the max)
Gerbleah! I am a genius! I am the one! Stronger than you!
Stronger than anyone! I mean smarter! The world must die so that
the fools see how potent I really am!
WADDELL
Good Lord!
ORBEPHAT
Good Lord is right! Why do people bow to you, Waddell? Why you
and not me? I built a robot! Do you know how hard that is when
you're an ameba? It's more than a knack! All you have to do is
make it rain and everyone thinks you're great! In fact, I think
all you can do is make it rain! Look what I can do!
ORBEPHAT points at JONES and fires. JONES screams as he
disintegrates.
JONES
You will all be consumed by the evil spirit of the evil ameba!
Suddenly, ORBEPHAT's robot deactivates and it pitches forward
onto its face. The COOLANT stands behind the downed machine.
COOLANT
Salutations.
DELZINKO nods appreciatively as WADDELL looks at the remains of
JONES.
WADDELL
He was right. All I can do is make it rain! (sobs)
DELZINKO
What did you use, Coolant?
COOLANT
The old Electromagnetic Pulse ruse. When Waddell came, I
instantly realized his mind had been tampered with in some
disagreeable fashion.
DELZINKO
Way to go, Coolant. I guess we should go take care of the
doomsday device.
WADDELL
So it hasn't been five minutes?
Everyone leaps into action, which basically constitutes WADDELL
and DELZINKO running into each other. They collapse in a heap as
THE COOLANT laughs jocularly.
COOLANT
I sabotaged the device from the get-go. I was just letting you
all go through the motions for an unfathomable and mysterious
reason you will never guess.
WADDELL
What? That's not cool. Where's the risk?
COOLANT
Maybe there is no risk. Why does there have to be risk?
WADDELL
I'd be happier if there was some risk.
DELZINKO
Here's the risk! I'm the stupid villain! The machine you built is
a decoy! I built my own device; it will turn this world to
cheese!
WADDELL
What's your motivation?
DELZINKO
Revenge. You always steal all the chicks, Waddell.
COOLANT
When did you construct your infernal cheese ray?
DELZINKO
About four years ago. I've just been waiting for the right time.
WADDELL
That about covers it. Now we have to kill you to stop you from
subjecting the world to an all-pervading cheddarness.
DELZINKO
But you can't! If I die, the world dies with me!
WADDELL
Why is that?
DELZINKO
I'm not quite certain.
There is a flash and where DELZINKO stood is a smoldering crater.
ZEUS enters from above.
ZEUS
Verily, I will regret slaying that most misunderstood of mortals,
Todd Delzinko. Twere that there were some remnants, that I would
make him a spider or a dog or some other creature that he may
live on forever in an inferior form, albeit not by much.
WADDELL
Thanks a lot, Dad! You stole my limelight!
ZEUS
But I only did survey the landscape and see a matter
necessitating my attention!
WADDELL
Yeah, well how famous would Heracles be if you thought his Twelve
Tasks necessitated your attention? You're so dim-witted
sometimes!
ZEUS
Quiet, lest-
WADDELL
What?
ORBEPHAT's robot stands slowly.
ORBEPHAT
My quick wits allowed me to counter your EMP, Coolant, and Zeus'
ill-timed intervention provided me the energy to complete my
resurgence.
WADDELL
Spittoon.
ORBEPHAT
And now, I am supreme! Zeus' power is at my command! A machine
that manipulates energy falls under my sway! My invincible robot
body can crush anyone!
COOLANT
Actually, I damaged the energy device.
ORBEPHAT
Really? I guess I missed that.
WADDELL
We understand.
COOLANT
No matter what you have arrayed against us, there still stand the
two of us! Although I may be morally ambivalent, I will battle
against tyranny until I die!
Flash of light; COOLANT's spot is now a smoking hole.
WADDELL
That was a quick battle.
ORBEPHAT
Bow to me before I obliterate you, godling.
WADDELL
What's that noise?
A rumbling fills the clearing; suddenly, the scene is overrun
with thousands of tiny, furry beasts. They trample the
characters. As they ring around the clearing, BEAN enters.
BEAN
Me am being very happy! You am all fighting and wanting very much
to be master world man, but me am just always sitting on soft
pillow and cleaning soft shiny fur and me am now all world's
conqueror!
ORBEPHAT
You speak foolishness, haired scum!
WADDELL
And I very much doubt you can stop the two of us. Let's pool our
resources, Orbephat! Command Zeus to strike!
BEAN
You am forgetting very distant second doomsday machine! Now, me
am making you all fondue!
An orange light fills the clearing, and when it fades away
WADDELL, ZEUS, and ORBEPHAT are all made of cheese, as well as
their surroundings.
BEAN
Delzinko am much good at serving purpose; him am using very
secret plans from pretty kitty to be making cheese ray machine.
When him am done, he am building van around weapon.
Pull out to reveal the full extent of the cheese ray's effect, as
a < shape illustrates where it has spread.
BEAN
And when me am seeing opportunity, me am using super secret
tracking device in Delzinko's brain to be finding him along with
much cuteness army!
Pull out to show world, as cheese ray is fired in every
direction, coating the globe.
BEAN
Let us to be being feasting!
FADE OUT.
THE END
DAS WIENERSCHNITZEL
Byron 'Jusly' Defect Crappyright 1984
ULTRA-DERIVED script