Okay, so here i am with another page consisting of pictures of me and people i know. Rather than just perpetuate the typical cycle of degradation, i have here decided to apply electrical shocks to my eyes and drink Dran-O until i am in a rosy mood. Excuse me while i go begin.

Okay. Now i just have to wait for it to kick in. Who knows where this wild and wacky journey will take us? i could discover that i'm actually just a large, semi-intelligent shrimp wearing a person costume i found down by the docks.

How come when you get scurvy, it's all your fault? i can't help the fact that i'm very anti-citrus. i once beat a grapefruit to death for looking at me wrong; another day, i threw a bag of potatoes at a wall, which doesn't count for much since they're vegetables. They dance, sure, but that doesn't make them citrusy.

Here is a very good title pic:

i'm feeling it now! It's like all the love in the dirt and all the love in the water and all the love in the air and in the clouds and in the trees and in some of the shrubbery, but not all of it, is coursing through my body on its way to Las Vegas where it will lose all its money and end up bankrupt and broken on some miscellaneous street corner, weeping softly into its soiled handkerchief.

And isn't that a fantastic sensation? Almost as splendid as the many mottled wings of the butterflies who soar through the sky, dancing and weaving along with the currents of the wind, in search of human flesh upon which to dine. How i loathe them and their pixie dust, spreading delusion and insanity on their sun-tipped wings.

New Orleans strike me dead if i'm wrong, but aren't all of you Cro-Magnons? Wow. i'm ina room full of Cro-Magnons holding colons. Where did you get all those colons? And stop speaking Latin! i don't know Latin. Well, i do, but i always forget how to say things in it.

Do we have any foreign officials in the room? The giant mushroom? Where are you from, sir? Oh. Does anyone here speak Giant Mushroom? No? Well, i'll guess we can all be content with the fact that we are standing within ten yards of a large sentient fungus.

Let's all pass tea around for free, guys. Anyone have tea? No? Then let's all switch pants. That would be silly. No one has to switch with the Giant Talking Mushroom though. i think it is naked.

Everybody join me in a poem. If you don't know the words, just mumble along:

"Scratches on your back
Deep black gashes
The blood drips down
Splashes and splashes!"

Way to go everyone! That was superb. i am deeply moved by your participation and heartfelt belief in what was said and how it was said and all of that. You're the most magnificent group of people i've ever seen. i wish i could breed you all, creating a race of atomic superman who would conquer the world.

Oh, is it time for everyone to go home? Thanks for the wonderful time. No, you cannot take my hamster, Giant Talking Mushroom. Put him back. Bye, Cro-Magnons!

Here i am in elven make-up for my part in the off-Broadway smash 'Santa Claus and the Rowdy Reindeer.' In about two hours, you will have the most delicious rib roast you've ever had. How do i know this? Because whenever i think something is going to happen, it does. i don't know why. However, it all began with this photograph. When i took it, i was wearing shorts and i thought that maybe later, i would put on pants. Lo and behold, later that day i caught on fire and my shorts burned off; all that i could find to wear were a pair of light blue slacks, which i am still wearing to this day. They make me feel so dainty.
Yay! This is a picture of me standing next to a girl! i was standing next to this girl because i was on fire and she was wearing an asbestos robe that prevented the unholy conflagration from spreading! Unfortunately, the noxious fumes produced by the fire spreading into my hair, rich with a gelatinous solidifying agent, killed us both.

Do we have a comment from the audience? Yes Johnny? Well, i think the girl's name is Betty and she told me she had a clinic somewhere. She also gave me one of those clever business numbers where there are letters standing for the numbers. i have it somewhere here in my wallet. Here it is! 1-900-DONT-CALL. Isn't that just the sweetest thing you've ever heard?

Is the wall growling at anyone else? No? Well, darn. You guys are missing out.

 When the moon hits your eye, it's probly because the end of the world has arrived and soon you and your pitiful existence will be swallowed up in a cataclysmic Apocalypse that will strip the Earth of the virus called life.
Here i am at my screen test for a small role as a leprosy-stricken hermit in the live action 'Dennis the Menace' film. The movie people thought i would frighten children too much so i didn't get the part :( Whenever i see this picture i want to cry. It represented a time in my life when i was much more innocent and naive. i thought all you needed in this world to be a good man was a job at a glass factory and a tie. Here i am wearing my tie. It's name was Rupert and later that evening it would betray me. i don't discuss what happened between Rupert and i, but i guarantee it wasn't pretty.
As i think i'm beginning to lose coherency and the ability to want to live in a muffin i will quote my Calculus professor's intial reaction to this picture:

"If you like this, you should go into another field. I'm an old man. This is kind of a hard way to write an equation for a circle; it's going around from here to there. Now, i can't resist telling you a physical problem where the solution involves, the solution comes out as a parametric equation. It might be a good-"

At this point, i seem to have passed out or forgotten how to work my pen.

 i like pianos. they make funny noises when i bludgeon them, like little field mice.

Sumbala! There is a link to a dark and mysterious secret page hidden very poorly in the above tripe. It is, i warn you, beyond the edge of coherency, teetering on the brink of a catastrophic schism between reality and the depths of the human soul.

Or you can click here and go back to the opening page: Clickme!Clickme!Yippee!